Mother's Day is coming. I am dreading it but not for the usual reasons. I have no problem
celebrating the mothers in my life and I am glad to honour them. I have cards ready, times
to see them all set up. This feels right and proper. I like that part of Mother's Day.
I don't like being the mother on Mother's Day. I dislike feeling like I have to smile and be grateful
or even that I have done something worthwhile. I know myself, I know my failures and I remember the hard memories my kids will always have to deal with. I hate that. I am aware too, of rifts between my children, hard feelings and hurts. I know that my husband is suffering in many ways, ways that I am helpless to fix. I know that for my own daughters, Mother's Day is painful. For one, it is the hurt of missing a baby who should be here and for the deep longing of the "not yet". For another, it is the hurt that biological motherhood has been taken away as a choice for her life - not through her own choice but because of cancer and all it engenders. Hurts that are deep and real and I ache for them. I also don't want a false day - I hate that.
Last year was probably the best Mother's Day I have ever had and all because it was not planned. The kids did plan a DQ cake that had Baymax on it and that made me laugh. We were in process of sellling our home and a showing came up and so we went to our favourite Starbucks and sat on the patio, ordered pizza to go with our SB and enjoyed. Everyone was there, there was no pressure and it was fun. I felt no pressure to perform at all.
I am aware that celebrations are important and I have no problem celebrating others. I like for my kids to celebrate their dad and birthdays matter in our family. Holidays are special although we have worked to not be slaves to them or to certain days. Being a family that has dealt with shift work has helped us to shift the focus from a certain date, like the 25th of December, to being all together on a day close by to enjoy and celebrate.
I struggle with joy. I have clear memories of looking forward to my birthday and being deeply disappointed. Almost any time that I expect something special, it disappoints and while I know that part of that is my melancholic makeup, I think it can be a good reminder too. Heaven is not yet. Earth is still fallen and life is relentless. Time carries on, people change, I fail and God is good.
How awesome to know that and relax. To admit that I really dislike breakfast foods and especially if I have to eat it in bed. I am aware that I have a place in my heart that needs healing. When my children were little, I understood the importance of them learning to honour and so, Mother's Day made more sense. Now they are grown and I feel that I would rather just move on and not fuss about a day that is uncomfortable and that is actually hurtful to women around me.
I wonder how Jesus will walk with me in this?
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