The last few days have been inspiring and anxious and sometimes foggy. I was reading this morning, all over my favourite websites and came across an article about introverts in the church. It
always intrigues me, an introvert, and as I read, I became aware of a coming together in my heart and
soul. Ideas and impressions hovering around the back of my mind began to solidify into words and phrases that I could grasp and finally express. Oh, the relief! Tears began to flow and I asked the
Lord to help me obey this calling that is even now coming clearer and to remember what I have heard
as I will inevitably leave this mountain top and head back to the foggier midlands of daily life.
My dear childhood friend has a birthday just 3 months before mine. When we were kids, she used to consider it superior to be older first. However, after we hit 30, all that changed! Now, I tease her that she is older than me and she assures me she is just showing me how to do it well. We laugh like crazy about this and as her birthday was yesterday, I am thinking about moving from 45 to 46. Btw, Happy Birthday Smudgie!!
Admittedly, the last few years have been some of the hardest I have lived through and yet, they are so blessed as God has shown up time and again and carried me across places I could not even have stumbled through on my own 2 feet. Cancer, of course, has been the monster in our family that has forever altered the course of our lives. My daughter is with us and I am grateful, but she is so hurt and broken and I am deeply grieved for her. In actual fact though, this particular struggle in my heart began more than 5 years ago, as my youngest began Junior High and others, as well as myself, began to ask me what I was going to do with the rest of my life. It was lemon juice on an open wound that I have carried for a long time and asked Jesus to heal often, with a period of peace and then anguish and anxiety breaking through again. My dear friend often jokes that when she is 80 and I am 65, that I will still be calling her and asking her if she thinks I should go back to work now!
Those dear ladies who have walked with me for many years have always prayed for wisdom for me and affirmed me in my deep desire to make a home for my husband and kids, to write and to walk with women and live out my passion that we KNOW the word of God as a rock to stand on no matter what we face in this life. Money of course, has been tight so often and the pressure to get out there and help out is sometimes enormous and often seems a way of escaping the turmoil within. My dear husband has been so kind and such a faithful encourager, wanting me to live out God's will for my life and be the woman I am made to be so I can best partner with him and we can both love Jesus as we walk together.
I have felt over the last year that new things might be growing in the mud of my heart, but it seemed unlikely and yet, I was convinced that this was the entrance to a new season. New in very real and concrete ways. A new city, new home, new church and new friends, many of who are becoming very dear treasures. Watching my daughter suffer seemed like we were still in the winter of suffering and little change was happening, though I was very affirmed in being at home to love on her and care for my home and family. That was relief and brought some rest from the striving to solve the "getting a real job" problem. But my heart was restless....
Last week at our church prayer meeting, we were asked to get into groups of 3 and share a prayer request that was on our hearts. I surprised myself by asking 2 dear ladies to pray about my desire to write and what it was to look like. Usually, I keep that desire very quiet and mention only to trusted friends. I have a deep fear of being a drama queen or too big for my britches - like God would ever use me in doing something I really enjoy and desire to do well. So, they prayed. They prayed and I felt several clicks in my soul, like the right numbers on a combination lock had been dialed. I was, and still feel, stunned but thrilled. One click: that I write for God's glory alone. Yes! Second click was that my life's theme has been and will always be: God is good. Forever. Period. In fact, that is what I want on my tombstone when my time here is done. It brings tears to my eyes even now. God is good!
This morning, the third click on the lock happened. I was reading the article on introverts that I mentioned and the tears came suddenly. A few years ago, I read Quiet by Susan Cain and recently I have remembered something she wrote about her grandfather. Funny how such a simple story is used by God to stir our hearts. Anyway, this memory, the article and a conversation from the dinner table about spiritual gifts all came together this morning to unlock that third part of the combination. Amidst my tears of gratitude, fear of failing and longing to obey, is the astonishment of coming out of the fog and damp chill of winter into bright sunshine. I have heard from God! He loves me! He cares! He knows where I am going and He is preparing the way before me!! Hallelujah! I feel such joy and awe and enthusiasm! I thought it was going to be cold until Heaven and here is a bright sunny spot!
Thank you Lord for holding onto me. Thank you for having a plan and being trustworthy. Thank you for making my desires and hopes a little bit clearer and definable. May I live truly, for Your glory and continue to shout to the world that You are good and there is no one like YOU!
Oh, the relief of some clarity and joy as 45 is winding down and I head to 46. God IS good.
