We are almost 4 years out from my daughter's stem cell transplant. The anniversary date brings a mix of memories, sorrow and hope. I am thankful she is with us, sad that she is suffering and asking God to heal her completely in all ways. Life seems to have both begun to crawl by and pick up speed at the same time on any given day! I am amazed that it has been so long since I have officially written a blog post because I feel like I am writing all day long in my head. I obviously need to practice sitting down to capture those thoughts more often.
Since my last post, I have gained another daughter in law, a granddaughter and a grandson about to make his entrance in a few short weeks. My own baby girl is about to finish high school and as I get ready to launch her into the big wide, world, I can see a new launch pad for myself. I am coming to the end of a journey that began 26 years ago, that of a stay at home mommy raising 5 kids. It was the fulfillment of my life's dream to be a wife and mommy and it has been my joy and honour to raise our family. I realized on my latest birthday, that if I live to be the same age as my maternal grandmother, then I am only halfway thru my life here on planet earth and that has begun a conversation with God about what my life is to be now that my kids are on their way in the world. What now?
I will not lie, I am panicked and weepy about this. As I think about all of the swirling in my heart and mind, I am processing and praying. I think that I am relearning to trust Jesus as I walk on my own 2 feet again. I call this "active trust", as I am called to step into obedience, and follow my Shepherd. When our daughter began her cancer journey in 2013, I believe God picked me up and carried me through horrors I could not walk thru on my own. I call this time "trauma trust". I was conscious of being carried close to my Shepherd's heart and actively living in the awareness of all the quiet times I had spent with Jesus over the years so that I would KNOW Him in the midst of trauma.
He carried me and all those I love so well. I laugh when people tell me I'm strong because I know full well that I was given all things I needed and actually being held up by my Father.
So here we are, four years out and I have been set down on my own feet again and called to walk into a new season. The picture in my mind is one of a toddler, out for a walk with her dad. She walks along with her hand in his and chatters away, not even thinking about where she is going or noticing that the longer she walks, the better her balance is at this walking thing. Then, without warning, her dad scoops her up in his arms. He is keeping her safe, taking her through a dangerous patch that she is unable to walk alone. As she is carried along, the toddler realizes how tired she was getting and that her dad is strong and it is comfortable to be held, that she is getting somewhere (she has no idea where) much faster and that the danger was scary and she was so safe.
The path that they are walking on, grows quieter again and her daddy puts her down to walk for
a while, but she is not happy. Walking is hard work and it was comfortable in those strong arms. Having had 5 strong willed kids, I can imagine the resistance to being put down - actually, I feel it in my heart! Let's be honest, it is called having a fit! But, Daddy knows that toddlers need to walk, to learn and to grow and to discover the joy in walking together. Active trust vs. trauma trust.
That is me. God so graciously has carried me, proved all His promises true and provided what I could not do for myself. Now, it is time for me to walk again, to step out in faith, to journey with Him and obediently follow where He is leading. I think I am finished protesting at being put down and ready to hold His Hand again and walk on. Part of it, I think, is learning to be me again, not the mom, not the caregiver and that feels scary. I need to learn new skills, be myself and TRUST. I know for sure that I am not alone, ever, but I do know that it's time to get moving....back into training.
