Transitions

Keep me safe, O God, for in You I take refuge.
I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord;
Apart from You I have no good thing".
...Lord, You have assigned me my portion and my cup;
You have made my lot secure.
The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
Surely I have a delightful inheritance.
Even at night my heart instructs me.
I have set the Lord always before me.
Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.
Psalm16: 1-2, 5-8

I am feeling a little twitchy these days. I have noticed this about myself over the years,
that August brings a low level of anxiety. Some years I notice it more than others and
this year seems to be heightened.  Part of it is that after July passes, the colour of the sky
begins to change and the sun feels different.  I dislike change and August is always a
reminder that the seasons are about to change and September is looming. This feeling robs
me of the joys of August and though I know I should enjoy today's joys and leave tomorrow
to itself, I can't shake the sadness that simmers below the surface.
  The funny thing is that September is absolutely, hands down, my most favourite time of the
year!  I love the colours, the sky and the clarity of the air that it brings. It is also a fleeting
time and I think that I hesitate to embrace it because it doesn't last long enough. I think I

dread the ending even before it begins and oh, what a shame! It poisons today and                               drains me of the joy that God is giving me now!

   A dear friend shared with me that she is memorizing Psalm 16 and we began to talk about it
as we went for a good long walk.  She was talking about truly enjoying the boundary lines God
has drawn in her life and the fact that we are secure in Him, not needing to race around and make our lives count. I went home and read the psalm and was again reminded of God's provision, His
goodness and His plans for me. That He is constant, in the midst of changing seasons, both in
nature and in my own life.
   I wonder how it is, that I was so thankful and assured of my lot and portion when I was a young
mom with a home full of precious little people and a heart of gratitude. I was living my dream
of being a wife and mom and was so content!  I knew I was blessed and was so fulfilled and
aware that God had assigned me wonderful boundary lines. Did they suddenly move, now that
my kids are grown? Is my life here on earth just to be about passing time till Heaven?  In my
mind I know the right answers, but in my heart, well, in my heart I am not sure. That is where
verses 7 and 8 point me to the truth.
   Even though I am not wanting the season to change, I can trust God. He will hold me secure and
I will not be shaken. Those anxious hours in the night become times when I hear Jesus reminding
me of His love and faithfulness. He has not forgotten me and though transitions happen, they can't
rob me of today and they can't shake His hands on my life or His holding of my heart. I can't say
my boundary lines are changed because He is the One who set them! I can't worry about seasons
changing because God is the One who set the world in motion and the cycle of life is beautiful.
Each day is to be enjoyed and each new day is to be embraced and then released.  I love September
so much and is is wrong to begin to feel sad in August because September is coming and will go
by too fast! Even as I write this, it sounds silly, just as so many of my fears sound sill when I say
them out loud.
  I am beginning a new season in my life, one that is more of just me and my husband in a fairly
quiet home. I thank God for the past and I know, because of His word, that He has given me many,
many good things, He has assigned my lot and my portion and that my boundary lines really have
fallen in pleasant places. I have one chick yet to set on her way and a whole rest of my life to live
for Him. I am asking even now for new dreams and hopes to work towards. I am thankful for the
goodness of my Father, for His steadiness (that resists my shakiness!) and His perfect plans for
each day, each season, each transition and on and on and on. He has promised to be with me. I
will not be shaken.

45 Has Been a Tough Year - and I Just Realized It!

   The last few days have been inspiring and anxious and sometimes foggy. I was reading this morning, all over my favourite websites and came across an article about introverts in the church. It
always intrigues me, an introvert, and as I read, I became aware of a coming together in my heart and
soul.  Ideas and impressions hovering around the back of my mind began to solidify into words and phrases that I could grasp and finally express. Oh, the relief! Tears began to flow and I asked the
Lord to help me obey this calling that is even now coming clearer and to remember what I have heard
as I will inevitably leave this mountain top and head back to the foggier midlands of daily life.
   My dear childhood friend has a birthday just 3 months before mine. When we were kids, she used to consider it superior to be older first. However, after we hit 30, all that changed!  Now, I tease her that she is older than me and she assures me she is just showing me how to do it well.  We laugh like crazy about this and as her birthday was yesterday, I am thinking about moving from 45 to 46. Btw, Happy Birthday Smudgie!!
   Admittedly, the last few years have been some of the hardest I have lived through and yet, they are so blessed as God has shown up time and again and carried me across places I could not even have stumbled through on my own 2 feet.  Cancer, of course, has been the monster in our family that has forever altered the course of our lives.  My daughter is with us and I am grateful, but she is so hurt and broken and I am deeply grieved for her.  In actual fact though, this particular struggle in my heart began more than 5 years ago, as my youngest began Junior High and others, as well as myself, began to ask me what I was going to do with the rest of my life.  It was lemon juice on an open wound that I have carried for a long time and asked Jesus to heal often, with a period of peace and then anguish and anxiety breaking through again.  My dear friend often jokes that when she is 80 and I am 65, that I will still be calling her and asking her if she thinks I should go back to work now!
   Those dear ladies who have walked with me for many years have always prayed for wisdom for me and affirmed me in my deep desire to make a home for my husband and kids, to write and to walk with women and live out my passion that we KNOW the word of God as a rock to stand on no matter what we face in this life.  Money of course, has been tight so often and the pressure to get out there and help out is sometimes enormous and often seems a way of escaping the turmoil within.  My dear husband has been so kind and such a faithful encourager, wanting me to live out God's will for my life and be the woman I am made to be so I can best partner with him and we can both love Jesus as we walk together.
   I have felt over the last year that new things might be growing in the mud of my heart, but it seemed unlikely and yet, I was convinced that this was the entrance to a new season. New in very real and concrete ways. A new city, new home, new church and new friends, many of who are becoming very dear treasures.  Watching my daughter suffer seemed like we were still in the winter of suffering and little change was happening, though I was very affirmed in being at home to love on her and care for my home and family. That was relief and brought some rest from the striving to solve the "getting a real job" problem.  But my heart was restless....
   Last week at our church prayer meeting, we were asked to get into groups of 3 and share a prayer request that was on our hearts. I surprised myself by asking 2 dear ladies to pray about my desire to write and what it was to look like. Usually, I keep that desire very quiet and mention only to trusted friends. I have a deep fear of being a drama queen or too big for my britches - like God would ever use me in doing something I really enjoy and desire to do well. So, they prayed. They prayed and I felt several clicks in my soul, like the right numbers on a combination lock had been dialed. I was, and still feel, stunned but thrilled.  One click: that I write for God's glory alone. Yes! Second click was that my life's theme has been and will always be: God is good. Forever. Period. In fact, that is what I want on my tombstone when my time here is done. It brings tears to my eyes even now. God is good!
   This morning, the third click on the lock happened. I was reading the article on introverts that I mentioned and the tears came suddenly. A few years ago, I read  Quiet by Susan Cain and recently I have remembered something she wrote about her grandfather. Funny how such a simple story is used by God to stir our hearts. Anyway, this memory, the article and a conversation from the dinner table about spiritual gifts all came together this morning to unlock that third part of the combination. Amidst my tears of gratitude, fear of failing and longing to obey, is the astonishment of coming out of the fog and damp chill of winter into bright sunshine. I have heard from God! He loves me! He cares! He knows where I am going and He is preparing the way before me!! Hallelujah!  I feel such joy and awe and enthusiasm! I thought it was going to be cold until Heaven and here is a bright sunny spot!
   Thank you Lord for holding onto me. Thank you for having a plan and being trustworthy. Thank you for making my desires and hopes a little bit clearer and definable. May I live truly, for Your glory and continue to shout to the world that You are good and there is no one like YOU!
Oh, the relief of some clarity and joy as 45 is winding down and I head to 46. God IS good.

Beauty

   Life is so daily. By daily, I mean unrelenting, never stopping, continual, repeating. There have

been many times when I think the world should stop, freeze and let me off.  Then I have to rewire my thinking yet again.  His mercies are new every morning and I definitely need new mercies.  He is faithful to finish the work He has begun in me, His yoke is easy and His burden is light. Okay then, I can live like that.  It seems so easy to carry my burdens and to take on the world and forget the love that Jesus shows me every second of every minute of every day.  I am getting over a cold and it has reminded me how I take my health for granted - even demanding to feel better.  I am ashamed.

   Speaking of shame, I am sad for 2 beautiful women I know and ashamed of myself for my shallow complaints.  I am not crazy about my hair. It is fine, straight and quickly going gray.  I have gone blonde in an effort to fight the gray and that helps but I still don't like my hair.  However, I have hair. The 2 lovely ladies I am thinking of have had to face the indignity of losing all their hair, not by choice as when you shave your head of your own volition, but because of the ravages of disease.  Sometimes, they can pretend that all is well, that they are past the illness and moving on. There is a sense of relief in that, some measure of control and I get that, I do it all the time. But then...then they pass a mirror and have to face the truth, yet again. "I had cancer and I will never be the same or even 

look the same again."  One friend's hair has come back and it is beautiful. She is enjoying have a head of hair again, except, it is silvery gray.  She had beautiful long brown hair, matching her kids and now it is silver and she doesn't look like herself. It is hard.

   My other dear one has had the tragedy of losing her hair for the third time, after it all grew back because of the strength of the treatments she had. That has been incredibly sad. She is facing bald spots and is now keeping her head shaved to try to encourage even growth as we hope and pray that 

the spots will fill in.  Daily, she is reminded of what has happened to her and that there is no control to be gained over this hurt.  I grieve for her and am ashamed of complaining as I run my fingers thru my hair, reminded yet again of her pain.

   Hair is an important part of what a woman sees as beauty.  We cut it, colour it and curl it. We notice others styles, admire and envy.  It is shocking and noticeable when we see a woman with a bald head. Other cultures consider it deeply shameful and so, my friends face shaming glares and wagging fingers.  Hurt upon hurt.  How to help?  I honestly don't know.
   I hope and pray that God will meet them there in their hearts and speak comfort. I see both of them as so beautiful and I am glad they are still here. Still living. Beauty is so fleeting. Our culture is deeply obsessed which doesn't help and yet, even the best of us ages and dies. The Bible has much to say about priorities, about love and grace and Heaven. Whether it is hair or wrinkles or weight
it pales in comparison to our hearts and our inner life. Lord, help me be beautiful to you. A gentle and quiet spirit. Please bless my friends with grace and comfort. You are so good.

Dreading the Spotlight of Mother's Day

   Mother's Day is coming. I am dreading it but not for the usual reasons. I have no problem
celebrating the mothers in my life and I am glad to honour them. I have cards ready, times
to see them all set up. This feels right and proper. I like that part of Mother's Day.
   I don't like being the mother on Mother's Day. I dislike feeling like I have to smile and be grateful
or even that I have done something worthwhile. I know myself, I know my failures and I remember the hard memories my kids will always have to deal with. I hate that. I am aware too, of rifts between my children, hard feelings and hurts. I know that my husband is suffering in many ways, ways that I am helpless to fix.  I know that for my own daughters, Mother's Day is painful. For one, it is the hurt of missing a baby who should be here and for the deep longing of the "not yet". For another, it is the hurt that biological motherhood has been taken away as a choice for her life - not through her own choice but because of cancer and all it engenders.  Hurts that are deep and real and I ache for them. I also don't want a false day - I hate that.
   Last year was probably the best Mother's Day I have ever had and all because it was not planned. The kids did plan a DQ cake that had Baymax on it and that made me laugh. We were in process of sellling our home and a showing came up and so we went to our favourite Starbucks and sat on the patio, ordered pizza to go with our SB and enjoyed. Everyone was there, there was no pressure and it was fun. I felt no pressure to perform at all.
   I am aware that celebrations are important and I have no problem celebrating others. I like for my kids to celebrate their dad and birthdays matter in our family. Holidays are special although we have worked to not be slaves to them or to certain days. Being a family that has dealt with shift work has helped us to shift the focus from a certain date, like the 25th of December, to being all together on a day close by to enjoy and celebrate.
   I struggle with joy. I have clear memories of looking forward to my birthday and being deeply disappointed. Almost any time that I expect something special, it disappoints and while I know that part of that is my melancholic makeup, I think it can be a good reminder too.  Heaven is not yet. Earth is still fallen and life is relentless.  Time carries on, people change, I fail and God is good.
How awesome to know that and relax. To admit that I really dislike breakfast foods and especially if I have to eat it in bed. I am aware that I have a place in my heart that needs healing. When my children were little, I understood the importance of them learning to honour and so, Mother's Day made more sense. Now they are grown and I feel that I would rather just move on and not fuss about a day that is uncomfortable and that is actually hurtful to women around me.
   I wonder how Jesus will walk with me in this?

The Best Laid Plans.....

   ...go oft astray!! I had the best of intentions to continue blogging and it came to naught.
However, as the old saying goes...try, try, try again! I am sure that that is why the Bible
tells us that "the Lord's mercies are new every morning" because we all stumble and
bumble and need a new day to get back on track. Sunset, sunrise. Thank goodness!
   I am enjoying our new home and feeling more settled everyday. I have been blessed
with some new friends and so glad that my "old" friends still keep in touch and we
continue to do life together. Maybe not as daily - we can't go for walks and see each other
every week - but our hearts are knit together and we look forward to stepping out of time
and being able to enjoy life  together forever!
   I have come to terms with the fact that I am officially middle aged. Bummer, but true!
I have to watch that, as my mother says, I am not "mutton dressed like lamb" by wearing a
style that is too young and I am finding that I can't take life quite as lightly as I did in years
gone by. I am aware of the importance of my daily choices in a way that I never saw them
before and am sobered by how fast the days go by. On the other hand, some things just don't
bother me anymore like they used to and I appreciate kindness more than I used to. I hope that
others find me kind. I don't want my kids to be glad when I have gone home to Heaven
because I was cranky and rigid and selfish. Actually, that keeps me up at night sometimes.
   Another child is getting married! That will make 3. 3? How can that be? My poor husband
is getting used to a house full of girls but I think he still misses the boys to even things up!
I am thrilled to tell you that we still have our girl with us. She is still battling for her health, but
I see God moving and using her story to bless others. She has compassion for many and is slowly
but surely beginning to find her way. I am so proud of her and so thankful that she is still with
us. I know that she would love to be on her own and making her way in the world, but it is
coming....and for now I am glad she is with us and getting ready to fly - in a good way.
It's a funny old world.  I hope to keep scribbling....:)