It's funny how journeying with your children points out glaring touch points in your own life. My son and I are having a tough time communicating. I am thinking about carrying a handheld recorder at all times, to record what I have actually said and not whatever twisted words my son claims that I have said. For instance, "have you done any math?" becomes "you have to do math for at least an hour and you can't go out at all." Of course there is a history in our relationship and as I have repented of old patterns and changed the dance with my son, he is struggling to trust me and to learn a new way of dancing with me in our relationship. He truly does not believe that I am for him and love him unconditionally. He hears what I say through a filter in his mind that is distorting my words and my love for him. It really helps to have others around to hear our conversations so that they can affirm both what I have said and not said. He can't hear the real me right now.
As I have been praying for my son and his hearing, I hear God asking me some tough questions. Questions about my own hearing, both of the people in my life and of God Himself. My filters are just as wonky and dangerous as my son's. I don't hear God say "I love you and I chose you to be mine." I hear "I will love you when you do such and such and you better hope I keep you around." My hearing is keeping me away from Jesus and His truthful words that bring life and not despair. He has said He will never leave or forsake me. I read my Bible with that same wrong filter and what I am reading is not sinking into my heart because there are all kinds of conditions I put on those words. It is wrong and I need a hearing aid. I need to slow down and run what I think I am hearing through the hearing aid of truth.
It is coming home to me too, that I am not truly hearing the people in my life clearly. I have a certain way of listening to my husband that assumes he has an agenda for me to adhere to. I hear friends' encouragement and kindness through a filter of dismissiveness because they don't really know how awful I am and so they must be taken with not just a grain, but a teaspoon of salt. How silly to be so hearing impaired and it be so absolutely unnecessary! I need help! Part of it is choosing truth and part of it is choosing hope. The hope that is true, that God is for me and not against me and neither are those I love. I certainly don't want them to hear my words of love and encouragement through such a negative filter. I don't have an agenda for them or expect performances and neither do they. It's the old argument that it's okay for them but not for me. What a lie. Satan loves this lie and it keeps me from my Father's loving heart.
I was also thinking that this distorted hearing helps to keep me from really connecting with my hopes and dreams. The other night, I was talking with my daughter about changing her inner dialogue about not wanting to be well and live to actually expressing her hopes and dreams and the things she really wants to do. She told me, with tears in her eyes, that she has been so shattered and so many dreams have died, that she is scared to say things out loud because it hurts so much when they don't happen and it is safer to keep hopelessness close by. My heart broke when I heard her because I know how much her life has changed and how she has suffered. But. But she has never been out of God's hands nor His love. His plans are for good and not for ill, He does have a hope and a future for her that is good. She needs to hope, to express her dreams and live with an open heart. I am certain that if one dream doesn't take place, it's because God has something better in mind. I know this for sure. For her. Why not for myself?
I have to face it. I am deeply afraid to be positive right now because I am fearful. I am aware that I can't be super positive about my daughter because I am afraid that if I get too used to the idea of her living and being healed or embrace it joyfully, that I will be crushed and destroyed if she dies. I am keeping to myself within my marriage because I am afraid that if I grow to depend on and really need my husband, that he will die and I will be destroyed. All my life, in certain ways, I have had to rely on myself and carry on alone because the ones who were to be there, weren't. There is always a dialogue in the back of my head that is reminding me not to get too attached and that the next axe is about to fall. That I shouldn't really believe my friends when they say they care for me, because though I know how special and precious they are, the same can't be said about me and they could happily do without me.
In a way, there is truth to the fact that we will always be alone in some senses. No one can live in your head with you. No one except God. He knows, He hears and He loves. Oh, how He loves. I feel like a little girl who is having her fingers pried off her ears, not to be yelled at or rebuked, but so that I can hear some beautiful, fear shattering music. The music of my loved ones singing in my life. The music of dreams and hopes and good things yet to come. The invitation to dance in joy and put away fear of tomorrow. To believe in goodness, in colour, in joy and love and to hope. I choose truth. I choose joy and I will never stop being grateful for all the amazing people God has placed in my life. I am so loved and so honoured. No fear! Clean ears!
Just thinking.
Saturday 9 August 2014
Monday 4 August 2014
Being Churlish and Ungrateful
I love Rosamunde Pilcher. She is one of my favourite authors and her books are stories that I read when I need to read something familiar and enjoyable. She is a Scottish author who has a gift for creating characters that you would like to meet and have a coffee with. She has offered some insights for living that come to mind every now and again. Things like the fact that even when you have much turmoil and heartache going on, getting busy and doing chores can really help to fill the time and when you are done, you have a clean house or a tidy garden in spite of your pain. (This is also good advice when you are angry!). So, for the past 2 days, I have been working on menial chores and asking God for help to keep on keeping on. I'm not sure I'm any further ahead emotionally, but I have trimmed and chopped a huge clematis in my garden, swept up and tidied my backyard and it looks much better. There is much to be said for work. It is a gift sometimes.
I am very unhappy with myself. I am feeling so discouraged about just not knowing what I should be doing, feeling or thinking. The past few months have been full of unexpected twists and turns and I feel unsure of myself. I was describing my daughter's cancer as an atomic bomb that was thrown into her life and the rest of us have been hit with the shrapnel and our lives will never be the same. I have no desire to claim that her pain is my pain. Her pain has been of a magnitude that I have not experienced, but because she is my daughter, I have felt much pain to a lesser degree. I am trying to find a balance in our relationship and life back at home and it has been a struggle. I want to encourage her, but not enable her. I want to love her and not smother her. I want to be empathetic, but not be a drama queen. I want to love her well, love her like Jesus loves her. That is hard, takes the wisdom of Solomon and I am clearly, not Solomon!!! I am struggling to find my calling, to find my place again. I am Mom, I am a wife and I am still me. What does that look like? Working outside the home to help our finances, but doing what? Or continuing to be quiet and wait for some direction? If I follow my heart, I deeply desire to read, write and listen to those hearts that I am privileged to care about. Where is God in this? Does boredom mean activity? Or does it mean, be quiet, be still? Wait? For what?
I said that I am ashamed, and I am. In the midst of all of this everyday life, I have been given gifts that are beyond priceless. The gifts of friends who love, who call, who pray and who give in so many ways. I am loved by my husband and we have the treasure of a marriage that has been through a raging inferno and we made it and we are best friends. I still get to be "Mom" and each of my kids are such an amazing blessing in my life. I get to have heart to hearts, pray for them, laugh with them and make memories with them. I have my own health to thank God for. The ability to read, to write, to clean and cook and walk and listen to music and talk and laugh and even to think! Yesterday, I was in church with my family and had several very special encounters to remind me that I am not alone and I am loved. Yes, Lord I am grateful. You and You alone have given me this life, this life that is mine and unique and I thank You. You have put special people in my life and deep hope and joy in my heart. I think of my husband, the mechanic who would say I was recallibrated!
I have wept that I am tired. Tired of swimming upstream against the currents of what I "should" think, feel or do and the currents of others' expectations. Expectations for myself and for those I love. Now, though I still swim upstream, I am grateful. I am grateful for being called to swim, struggle and see all those who are with me. For my God who has not ever let me out of His sight.
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." " Lam. 3:21-24
The rest of the chapter in Lamentations goes on to say that the Lord is good and that it is good to wait.
I have been churlish and ungrateful. I am forgiven and loved. I have some thank you cards to write and some people to love on. Thank you Lord that you forgive and that you are sovereign.
Just thinking.
I am very unhappy with myself. I am feeling so discouraged about just not knowing what I should be doing, feeling or thinking. The past few months have been full of unexpected twists and turns and I feel unsure of myself. I was describing my daughter's cancer as an atomic bomb that was thrown into her life and the rest of us have been hit with the shrapnel and our lives will never be the same. I have no desire to claim that her pain is my pain. Her pain has been of a magnitude that I have not experienced, but because she is my daughter, I have felt much pain to a lesser degree. I am trying to find a balance in our relationship and life back at home and it has been a struggle. I want to encourage her, but not enable her. I want to love her and not smother her. I want to be empathetic, but not be a drama queen. I want to love her well, love her like Jesus loves her. That is hard, takes the wisdom of Solomon and I am clearly, not Solomon!!! I am struggling to find my calling, to find my place again. I am Mom, I am a wife and I am still me. What does that look like? Working outside the home to help our finances, but doing what? Or continuing to be quiet and wait for some direction? If I follow my heart, I deeply desire to read, write and listen to those hearts that I am privileged to care about. Where is God in this? Does boredom mean activity? Or does it mean, be quiet, be still? Wait? For what?
I said that I am ashamed, and I am. In the midst of all of this everyday life, I have been given gifts that are beyond priceless. The gifts of friends who love, who call, who pray and who give in so many ways. I am loved by my husband and we have the treasure of a marriage that has been through a raging inferno and we made it and we are best friends. I still get to be "Mom" and each of my kids are such an amazing blessing in my life. I get to have heart to hearts, pray for them, laugh with them and make memories with them. I have my own health to thank God for. The ability to read, to write, to clean and cook and walk and listen to music and talk and laugh and even to think! Yesterday, I was in church with my family and had several very special encounters to remind me that I am not alone and I am loved. Yes, Lord I am grateful. You and You alone have given me this life, this life that is mine and unique and I thank You. You have put special people in my life and deep hope and joy in my heart. I think of my husband, the mechanic who would say I was recallibrated!
I have wept that I am tired. Tired of swimming upstream against the currents of what I "should" think, feel or do and the currents of others' expectations. Expectations for myself and for those I love. Now, though I still swim upstream, I am grateful. I am grateful for being called to swim, struggle and see all those who are with me. For my God who has not ever let me out of His sight.
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." " Lam. 3:21-24
The rest of the chapter in Lamentations goes on to say that the Lord is good and that it is good to wait.
I have been churlish and ungrateful. I am forgiven and loved. I have some thank you cards to write and some people to love on. Thank you Lord that you forgive and that you are sovereign.
Just thinking.
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