The Tracks of My Life

    A long time ago, I heard an illustration about this journey through life that has stuck with me. I think I remember it first from Larry Crabb and to this day, my friend and I still use it to help us think together. Life is a journey of both joy and sorrow/good and bad and the word picture is this:
    We are like a train car that is travelling along a track and sitting upon two rails - joy and sorrow or good and bad. We have a wheel on each rail and depending on what is going on in our lives, we travel smoothly along experiencing both in a day or, if it is windy or bumpy, we lean on one rail more
than the other. Some days there is more joy/good than sorrow/bad and some days it's just the other way around. Some seasons have more leaning on one rail than the other and we wonder if we will ever balance out again. God uses these two rails in my life to keep me moving ahead and to keep me focused on Him and the fact that I am not home yet. As a little girl, I remember the pain that was present in my heart, even when I was having the most wonderful time, because I had already learned that it could not last or there was always something not totally perfect. In even my darkest days, I have had moments of joy or humor that helped me take the next breath and move to the next moment. The two rails in my life.
    Between the two rails are mercy and grace, helping to keep the track balanced and the rails secure. Oh how I need mercy and grace! Even as I write, my chest is hurting with suppressed tears and a feeling of overwhelming pain. One of my kids has chosen to reject our family and go his own way and while we tried to send him off with blessing, he is telling another story to the world around him. It hurts so much to know what a special, gifted person he is and to see a raft of consequences yet to come based on the choices he is making. Another child is hurting deeply, after a cancer she never asked for has come in and torn apart her world. She is wondering why she had to make it through when she  didn't want to and others, who wanted to live, didn't. I have no answers for either, nor for the others in my life who are experiencing suffering, tough times and despair, except to pray to the One who holds them in His Hands and trust that He knows where these tracks are going and that the destination will be worth it all.
I look ahead and see only the sorrow/bad rail running ahead of me through my tears. But when I look behind me, that's when the miracle happens. For running behind far in the distance I see only the good rail, shining with joy and somehow the memories are good. When I glance over my shoulder, I see loving parents, a wedding, the births of precious babies, the common days of chubby little hands and sticky hugs, singing Veggie Tales songs, making suppers, colouring at the kitchen table, morning  Bible study with other young moms, the gift of all the books that have helped to shape me, answered prayers, laughter and birthday cakes and Christmas mornings and on and on. So much joy that I could burst with tears and laughter and the deepest kind of joy in my heart.
    Of course, during those years were incredible dark times too. Depression and abuse, control and anger, finances failing, the cancer and death of my father, separation and despair that our marriage could ever be good in any way, children ill or hurting, betrayals and my own horrible failures. I know that they are all there too, both rails run back behind me, but somehow the joy/ good rail outshines all the dark and it seems that I gained more strength and spent more time leaning on the joy rail of my track. It actually shines behind me, looking like a single rail as far as my eye can see, and it brings hope. Hope that as I move ahead, it will be more of the same as I look back this time next year, or 5 years or 10 years. I find that I can truly agree with the Apostle Paul, that God makes all things work together for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. When the track veers suddenly and I'm leaning hard on the bad rail, He is still in full control and I am not going to tip right off, grace and mercy are still beneath, holding me up and I still have one wheel on the good rail, I just can't feel it as strongly. When I look behind me, I call my mind to remember and I see so much good that it overwhelms me with gratitude and renewed hope that this is not all there is. Often, when people ask me how I am doing, I answer "Chugging along". Funny, I never thought about it, but I really am chugging along and knowing that the Engineer running the engine  has it all under control and I am safe as a little car, being pulled toward Home.
Just thinking.