Swimming Upstream

    My family loves the movie, "Finding Neemo", mostly because we love Dorie. Lately, I have heard her little song about just keep swimming playing in my head. It makes me smile and then it makes me cry.  I hate pity parties and I also hate phoniness and fake positive attitudes. I would like to do life perfectly and not make mistakes, but I am well aware it is not possible. However, there must be some sort of happy medium somewhere, instead of this gasping feeling that I am swimming upstream and against the currents of people around me.
    Yesterday I went to see some friends of ours who have kids a little younger than our youngest. He is dying of cancer and she is his caregiver. I was so struck by what she said when we were talking about how hard this is (no, I didn't go and tell her to just have faith and God is in control!) and it has stuck in my thoughts. She said, "He has something to look forward to". Meaning he will be in Heaven soon and not suffering anymore and oh, how I want that for him, but I understand what she was saying too. She has to stay here, say goodbye, raise their kids alone and keep living. It makes me cry and it makes me remember some hard core truth. That she will not be alone, Jesus will be holding her every step of the way. That our time here on earth with all the pain and struggle will be "light and momentary" in eternity and that Jesus will wipe every tear from her eyes. I know this, like a solid granite platform beneath us. I am aware of all the coming miracles that God will provide her and her precious kids. I am grateful AND I am sad. Jesus wept at the pain that death causes us (He wept for Mary and Martha) and I am so glad He did. It shows that we were never meant to be separated from each other and how awful the Fall truly was. Thank you, God, that one day soon, You will fix it all. Until then, we weep and cry and we trust and hurt.
    The part I find hardest sometimes is those who are quick to deny hurt or skip to the end of the story too quickly. I am glad to be home and I am glad my daughter is cancer free. I also feel like I am just coming to the surface again, after being underwater for 7 months and feeling the pain I couldn't feel back then. It is overwhelming sometimes. She is still suffering and right now is deep in the midst of grief. Grief at her lost dreams, her permanently scarred body, her fear to live, her guilt that she is alive and our friend is dying and leaving his family. We are swimming upstream and I am out of breath. I want to hide from all those that are quick to remind me of positives, and yet I am fearful of being negative, drama seeking and morbid. I don't want to deny or downplay the amazing journey we are on thru my daughter's cancer, but for today, right now I am tired and full of unshed tears. And disgusted with myself  that I feel like I can't pull up the bootstraps and carry on.
    There are moments of joy and laughter. I am getting ready to paint a bedroom a really horrible bright green that my daughter thinks is fabulous. She is away at camp and I want the fun of surprising her. I love painting my house, partly because it stays finished! I am glad to see friends and tell them I love them and yet, my soul feels raw and bleeding and it hurts when they push me to rejoice in the way they think it should be. I am so aware of my weakness and my inability to help my daughter choose life and my inability to help our friends thru the deep waters they are suffering under. I actually feel angry when I am called incredible or strong. No, no I'm not. I am carried by my loving Father and I am so screwed up and weak. Here I am, healthy and feeling like I can't go on. I am ashamed. I can't fix this. But...
"I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed to Him against that day". (1 Tim.1:12).
    I am reminded of all that God has done to get me here in spite of myself and I know it is true when I say, "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work in me, to Him be all the glory". (Eph 3:20)  That allows me to be sad, to make mistakes and most of all, to place all those that I love so deeply and passionately in His arms and know that upstream, downstream or sidestream, all will be well and all will be well.
Finally, a deep breath.
Just thinking.