I am so very grateful this morning. My kitty is here beside me, in our "spot" as I type. There is some restored order to my home again and we are coming to the end of the school year. No more schedules for a while and time to catch up. The sun is shining, the house is still cool and I have a great cup of coffee beside me! I am so grateful. I am forgiven for my failures, carried forward to the future and given just enough courage to face the next moment.
This is all so true and yet...there is so much more swirling along underneath. My daughter is home, yes, and cancer free, yes, but she is so fragile and still so ill. It seems that one step is forward and 3 steps are back. Having to go to the cancer centre is so hard. She has a cancer card. She is so very young. I am young, compared to the majority of people who are there and most of them are accompanying their elderly parent or their spouse. Yesterday, we were told that she had a virus that only time will get rid of and that she must have a liver biopsy as her numbers are funny. They think it's medication that is the culprit, but need to be sure. Sure? More pain, more invasive procedures? I know, trust the Dr. I do. She's a great doctor, but it is so discouraging to be here and to be aware that more pain is coming for my girl.
She is discouraged too. We are both talking much about "transplant recovery" and giving herself the time and grace to get better but it seems that she is constantly needing to recover from something else first. I am so proud of her. She is able to voice her discouragement and yet, keeps putting one foot in front of the other. She is fighting her eating disorder. She is beautiful and gifted and I thank God for such a blessing as to get to be her mom. And...she is suffering. It hurts. It seems endless and we are called to keep moving on.
People are precious to me and I love them so much and I want to hide for a while. I haven't got any more words to give, more explaining to do, no more space in my head. I am so selfish! These loving, kind souls have been amazing and giving and such faithful friends. I want to move on with them but I feel stuck and hollow. I am deeply ashamed when I read the morning news and see all the suffering around the world as I sit in my comfortable home. I know better. I want to give and be content with my lot and to want to walk with God more than I want my pain to be taken away. I want to move on and I'm tired. Ever get tired of living in your own head?
This too shall pass! One of the best things about getting older is the calm knowledge that moments do pass, life goes on and there will be a tomorrow. I remember feeling so trapped and the panic of feeling like this particular moment will last forever! So I know that I am moving on and I guess I am wondering what life is to look like now? I think the dilemma in my soul is that I feel an unspoken expectation (from others, from myself?) to get back to normal and I also feel that the whole world has moved on in one direction while I am moving away in the other direction. I feel lost, that's what it is. I guess my question is, moving on to what? To where? And how do you do that with so many other relationships seemingly anchoring you to move with them in the other direction? Oh, boy.
Just thinking.
No comments:
Post a Comment