Over the last few days I have been reevaluating my life and what it might look like when I go home, after being away for 3 months. I have been looking after my sweet daughter as she has battled leukemia and worked her way through a bone marrow transplant. (Today we got the incredible news that her latest biopsy shows no signs of leukemia - it is gone! Thank you, Lord!) Going home is yet another change for all of us, and we are feeling some anxiety and trying to make some plans.
As I have been considering this, I am aware of a deep disquiet in my soul. A mocking voice that is reminding me of what a failure my life is. A deep rooted belief that by not following my father's plans for me to "be something", that my life is useless and wasted and above all, something to be ashamed of. As I write this, I need to be clear. My children are the most extravagant blessings I have ever been blessed with. All of my life, I wanted to be a wife and a mommy. What I am referring to, is the shame that was heaped on me for having that desire and expressing it in the home I grew up in. Later on, when I followed my heart's longings and began our family, there was deep disgust and disappointment from my parents. Never towards the kids, whom they loved from the moment they were born, but for me - from the moment I was pregnant. I look at pregnant women who enjoy the journey with envy because for me, it was a mix of joy overlaid with a thick layer of shame. Isn't it so often the way? You and the new life you build is full of joy, but your past and home of origin bring a divided heart and turmoil.
No more! I have loved being "mommy" to my precious kids. I will always be grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me an incredible husband who loves me and wanted to have a family with me. He has worked so hard to let me be able to stay home and raise our kids and do what I feel I was most gifted to do - be a mom. With some adult children and some on the cusp of adulthood, I can look back and smile in great joy and gratefulness for the years I have had at home with my kids. Even as I look and smile, I am aware of a grey thread of false shame at my wasted life. What a stupid lie! My life has not been wasted, nor will I allow that regret to hang over my head any longer. Baloney! I didn't do what my father demanded and I thank God for that! It would have destroyed me, but for a loving God who reached into my life and gave me what my heart longed for most. I am so, so blessed.
I was thinking about the few months before this journey through leukemia began and I can see how that belief was rising to the surface and poisoning my daily life. I lost interest in cooking for my family - it seemed useless and I was such a loser. Lies, all lies. I go home with a restored sense of joy, of longing to make our home a special oasis in a tough world. To feed my family and be proud of nourishing them well. To laugh and share at a dinner table and to let my loved ones know that they matter to me and that I believe in them and what God has created is GOOD!
So today, I say to shame, "You are useless and not only that, you are utterly false. Get out of my life. I refuse to listen to you and let you drain the colour out of my days. I choose joy." My kids aren't a burden, they are gifts. Homemaking is a good passion and I am most blessed. Go God!!! God bless the husband you chose for me. We have so much to look forward to together. I love him so.
Just thinking.
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