Beginning, Middle and Ending

It’s funny how life is a constant series of stories and all are at different spots and all are happening simultaneously in life. I have been thinking about this because I feel like I can’t keep up! Not only that, but yesterday was my first day back at our home church and although it was a “coming home”, in every sense of the words, it was tough too because many that I met assumed we are at the end of the battle for my daughter’s life and in reality, we are smack in the middle. Coming home has been a great beginning and yet, my oldest daughter moved out yesterday with her husband to their new home and it was a tough ending.

    Made a little tougher by my teenage son, telling me it was no big deal that she was leaving, as she has been married for  awhile and left before. So, we had to have a chat about respecting Mom’s feelings and perspective and not trying to argue when something that is important to me is going on. The truth is, she was leaving home for good. The wedding is over, her sister and I are home and it is time for her to begin her new life with her husband. Yesterday was an ending I was not prepared for in some ways, but can you ever be? I feel shattered that the baby I was so thrilled to have placed in my arms, is all grown up and on her way. I am so, so proud of her and rejoicing that she has left home with our blessing and has a good man to build a life with. I think I need a good cry.

    Smack in the middle of that ending, was a middle – a continuation of life with my son. Discussing the importance of respect and re-establishing the role that I as Mom, have in this home after being away for 3 months. I think that although my family is glad to have me home, they are remembering that a 2 parent family feels different and that Mom has a “thing” about a clean house and order in the home. Along with that is my daughter’s pain. Oh, how I wish I could snap my fingers and take it away. We head back to the cancer clinic to ask for help with some more issues she is having. We are totally in the middle of transplant recovery, not near the end yet. As always, too, I am in the middle of living in my head, processing and asking God for mercy and help. Sometimes I feel like I have been talking for hours, only to hear my voice come out croaky because I have been thinking and not actually speaking.

    I am only on Day 5 of being at home. This has been a very tough beginning and I seriously hope it gets better. My daughter and I have talked about a new start in our own relationship. Needless to say, I have screwed up already, but it doesn’t negate the newness of being at home again. My husband and I are aiming for a new beginning, but in reality we are stuck somewhere in the middle of learning to love each other well and stick together through the “stuff” being thrown at us. God has been so faithful to help my husband forgive me, love me and sometimes even enjoy me!!

    As a dear friend said to me, my house is exactly like someone picked it up, gave it a good shake and put it down. So true! My family did so well to keep going while I was away, but oh boy, my house is not in order. I am repeating to myself, over and over, that it can be sorted, it’s okay,  it’s not the end of the world, but every time I have opened a drawer, a cupboard or a closet, I get a shock. So far, I have managed to stay only on the main floor but tomorrow I must brace for the basement and the chaotic laundry room. They sure did their best and wow, is it in need of a little declutter!  One step at a time. The night we got home, my daughter was in distress because she needed a new beginning in her room after coming home again. We moved all her furniture and prayed over her room. Far from being a safe place for her, it was full of memories of pain and depression and suffering. I think it has helped her and it helped me to slow down and be able to reorganize one small area at a time, a few cupboards here and there and stop to breathe.

    I am realizing that living in trauma for the last 7 months, has been a lot harder than I thought.  Being at home, has been a constant reminder of where I have been and that the journey has been harder than I imagined.  I am having trouble sleeping again and for me, that is a sure sign that the deeps are being stirred. I am aware of pain in my soul that I had to put away for the time that my daughter was so critical, and is now making itself known again. I need my friends, I need my husband and most of all, I need to sit with Jesus and let Him heal me. Little by little, some order is being restored, both in my home and in my heart. I am living by these words that I have had on my fridge door for awhile, but forgot about.

“You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast BECAUSE he trusts in You”.  Isaiah 26:3

Thank goodness that though all these beginnings, middle and endings are going on in all our lives, we are not the Author of our stories and He knows exactly where we are, and where we are going. Phew!

Just thinking