"Wow. I thought I was handling all this." Ha! How arrogant I am and how small minded. How forgetful of God's grace to help me face each moment. My poor husband has been kind and tried to
help me - me, who doesn't want to keep going anymore. It feels like one sucker punch after another
these days, and I think I am done. How very small of me! The punches I feel are only side swipes - I
am not actually being punched. I ashamed of how I am punching those around me in retaliation for my own desire for relief. I want to run, or hide, or die or all of the above.
My daughter is being smacked down again and again. Biopsies, stem cell rejections, fatigue, not fitting in w her peers, wondering how to carry on. Angry that she hasn't died yet. And, angry that our dear family friend did. A 39 year old husband and father passed away from cancer one week ago today. I was privileged to be the funeral coordinator for his service. It was one of the hardest funerals I have ever had to do. Our families have been crossing links for 20 years. His parents were leading the first small group we joined when we moved here. His sister is a dear friend who was my girls' most favourite babysitter when they were little. We attended his wedding with our now strapping teen son in a baby seat. His daughter is very good friends with our daughter and on it goes.
Our society is so full of pretense where death is concerned. When I work a funeral, it's real. Carrying the urn (which is shockingly heavy), setting up flowers, leading the grieving family. The best gift my father's death, almost 10 years ago, gave me was the knowledge that there is nothing to say and you can only be there. So, I was there. I actually spoke very little, but my heart was shrieking inside as I walked with his mom, our arms around each other. I am aware that she was about to say goodbye to her baby and selfishly, I know that my baby is still perilously close to danger, so I was aware of the agony. I hugged his sister and told her she didn't need words for me, that it was her time and to just be. I wanted so much to take away their pain, not intrude on them and yet, to let them know how much I love them. I think that's when the armour that I have had carefully built around me really started falling off.
I have been filled with despair, feeling no hope all week. More than that, I have been really angry. Angry that God seems to have lost His way in my life and is not at all concerned about how my world is failing and those I love are crumbling without any help forthcoming. I feel so much pressure to help my daughter and yet, I am so aware that she is an adult and must face her life and make her choices. Yet, there is a struggle in that because she is still so ill and I am still her caregiver. I have to count out the pills, help her get to appointments and we talk about the expectations of others around her to just get better now, be happy now, go to work, go to school and just GET BETTER! This is the point where climbing a mountain and becoming a hermit has a very strong appeal.
I am angry. Bitter. Tired. Unfair. My poor husband is hurting and I feel so selfishly self centered that I am not reaching out to care for him. I love him. He is so special and I am afraid I am going to lose him, so I am determined not to need him or let him in. How awful. I am ashamed and still can't find the courage to be vulnerable. Or even to let myself cry very much.
And then... And then I went to church last night and one of my favourite psalms was read. Psalm 73. I love that psalm because it is so real and because I am so aware that I have been behaving like a dumb beast. I know better. I know that when I worship God for who He IS and for loving Him because He IS, then my heart is truly helped. I, literally, cannot go on this way. I must not go on this way. Thank you God for your mercy.
Psalm 73 (verses 1,2 and 22 to 26)
Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.
But as for me, my feet had almost slipped: I had nearly lost my foothold.
For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
...
When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before You.
Yet I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward You will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth
has nothing I desire besides You.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my my portion forever.
Truth matters. It matters deeply because there is no where else to stand. The young man who passed away knew this and he was worshipping even as he died. He knew his wife and kids will be okay. They will suffer and mourn but God will carry them. Not only that, but they will be together again one day when time will cease to matter and every hurt and harm will be forever banished. Forever. That is why we sang "Bless the Lord oh my soul" and the tears were deep and healing and precious.
I can go on. I can go on today because my Heavenly Father cares and is carrying me and everyone I love so much. I have nothing, He has it all and that is okay. Actually, it is more than okay, it is right and good. Forgive me Lord, for my arrogance and my despair. You never lost your way in my life - I did.
Thank you that today is new. Thank you that the relief I need is not from my circumstances, but from my blindness to see You. You are good, You are sovereign, You can be trusted.
Just thinking.
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